After the Storm
by Sango-Kadie
Summary: [ch. 4 up]Sequel to ‘Deep in my Heart’. Now that Jack is gone, Will is miserable. But just how far will he go to get him back?
1. Chapter One

Title: After the Storm

Summary: Sequel to 'Deep in my Heart'. After Jack's death, Will is miserable. But just how far will he go to get him back? Rated R for dark themes and angst

Disclaimer: I don't own. All characters belong to Max Mutchnick and David Kohen and NBC. Don't sue.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and het. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Het in a W/J fic? Just read, you'll understand.

* * *

_And I want you now _

_I want you now _

_I feel my heart implode _

_And I'm breaking out _

_Escaping now _

_Feeling my faith erode_

–Hysteria; Muse

* * *

Chapter One

I was at the hospital when it happened. I saw the pain in his eyes when he realized what was going to happen. I was the one holding his hand when he died. I felt his heart beat fade to nothing. I saw the crystal blue in his eyes wither into a steel gray. I was there when my Jackie died.

And a piece of me died with him.

I often wonder what it might have been like if we didn't care so much for each other. What would I feel like if it was like it was before. Before I gave my heart to him. Would I have felt as bad as I did? Or would I just not care? I didn't cry at first. I don't think I even realized that he had left me. I kept my hand enveloped in his until all the warmth from it faded.

I didn't know I was crying until Grace came in. She put a hand on my shoulder, and I felt again. I felt the wetness fall from my eyes and onto my cheeks. I felt my heart break, and I felt it's splinters pierce my insides painfully. She held me to her, and we stayed there for the longest time. Or maybe it was a few seconds. I didn't care.

My hand never left his.

That night, I didn't sleep. I just remember laying in bed, with my head on his pillow. I was wearing his clothes. I put on a bit of his cologne and put the radio on his favorite station.

I took a shower. In the shower that him and I shared for the last months before he died. We would just stand under the hot stream of water cascading from the shower head, and hold each other. Since he was a little bit taller than me, I would rest my head on his shoulder and press my forehead onto his fevered throat. And he would kiss my hair softly, and we would be in there for hours, until the warm water grew cold and icy.

It wasn't the same without him. It wasn't worth living without him. There isn't a second that passes by that goes without me thinking that I could be up there with him. Just with a flick of a blade, or a swish of a rope, we would be together again. Forever.

Then, of course, my rational side speaks up. _Don't you remember what Jack asked you to do? _It would say, _He doesn't want you to do something that stupid. He told you not to dwell on it. Don't be foolish._

That doesn't mean I still don't think about it, though.

Karen wasn't at the hospital that day. She said she had something else that came up. That bitch. He was her fucking friend, and she just abandoned him. And when she would never see him again. I couldn't believe it. She can rot in hell for all I care.

I don't remember how long I was in that room for. A couple days maybe, probably a week. My mind kept replaying his last words to me in my head. They weren't "I love you," or "I'll miss you."

They were, "I'm sorry."

Dammit, why was he sorry? It wasn't his fault he died. I knew that. He knew that. So why was he apologizing? I didn't know. And I never will.

This place is so empty now. It used to be that everywhere I went, I could see a piece of Jack there, even when he wasn't around. Now there is no trace of him anywhere. No matter where I look, I can't find him. He really is gone. He always used to come back, but now he has no choice. He can't come back. And he wasn't going to.

I knew it was coming. How could I not? I took a big risk with Jack. The biggest one I've ever taken with anyone. He had HIV. His system couldn't take it. He was going to die. And I knew it. I didn't care. I still wanted to be with him. And I was. I was there for all those months that we were together. Twenty months. Almost two years at his side as his lover.

We've been together for much longer than that, I know. We never really fully discovered each other until Jack was sick. Everyday I scream at myself for not noticing our love earlier.

I love him. I miss him. He was my Jackie, and now he's gone.

I'll wait forever to get him back.

* * *

Will emerged from the bundle of sheets, holding his head in his hands as he addressed the knock on the door to his bedroom.

"Go away!" he yelled hoarsely, tears from weeks ago still nestled in his throat. He had tried to cry all of his feelings for Jack out, but it was no use. It was a waste of time to even try. There was no way someone could forget Jack McFarland.

Grace opened the door and peaked her head inside. "Will, you've been in there for close to a week now. You haven't eaten, you haven't showered, I'm pretty sure that even though you've been in your bedroom for all this time, you haven't slept at all. Now come on, you look like death."

"Maybe it's because, I don't know, _my best friend and lover just died_!" he screamed angrily, burring his head into the pillow he was holding and crying loudly into it.

Sighing, Grace rubbed Will's back comfortingly. _What am I going to do about him? This thing with Jack is making him hysterical, _she thought to herself. "Will, I know it's hard, but it's over. Jack is gone, and he's never coming back. I wish with all of my heart that it wasn't like that, but that's just how it is."

She wiped tears from her eyes and rested her head on Will's back, dragging him into a hug. He trembled in her arms, and for a moment, she got scared. Will never acted like this. She was the one who was supposed to be crying hysterically, and he was the one who was supposed to calm her down. He was the strong one. Not her.

"I'm sorry, Grace. It's just, I don't know what I'll do without him." Will went on, sobbing again and dissolving into a fit of hiccups.

"I know. I miss him too, but you need to see daylight again. Jack wouldn't want you to sulk all day in your bedroom, missing out on the rest of the world."

Will nodded. He knew she was right, and he knew that Jack would have wanted him to find someone else to love, though not as much as him. He would want him to be happy. "I know. It's just so fucking hard to get over him."

Grace smiled sadly, holding him in her arms as if he were a wounded puppy or a child. "You don't have to get over him. You just have to get over his death. He'll always love you, but you're still here. You should go see other people, but hold him in your memory and remember that even though he's not here, he's here," she said, pointing to Will's heart.

They just stared at each other for the longest time. They felt paralyzed in the moment, and all they could do was look into one another's eyes.

Will didn't know what to say or do. So he kissed her, and it wasn't like it was before. He felt something unhitch in his chest, and the only thing he couldn't think about was what he was doing.

His tongue explored her mouth hungrily, and she couldn't do anything but kiss back. They were both vulnerable, there was so much they needed to get out. They wrestled with each other on the bed, and finally, he was on top of her.

"Oh God," he moaned into her mouth, grimacing as his shirt left his body. His eyes shut angrily, and he willed himself not to look at her. He couldn't, or else he would stop. And there was no way he could stop now. He felt his pants unbutton, and he threw her shirt off, pinning her down onto the mattress.

The next few minutes flew by in Will's mind. The last thing he remembered was that he was completely naked and thrusting into someone. He didn't know who it was, but with all his heart, he hoped it could be Jack.

And all of a sudden, it was Jack. He never got to love Jack like this, and now he was given a second chance. It was before the disease, before the fights they had, before everything. It was just the two of them, and nothing could ever tear them apart. Never again. Will hissed viciously as he plowed faster and faster, each thrust filled with more vigor than the last.

All he thought about was coming. There was nothing else he wanted to do, and no one else he would rather do it with than Jack. He felt Jack smiling up at him, that look of ecstasy he reserved for Will plastered on his face.

Will finally cried out and collapsed in pleasure onto the bed, yelling into the mass of sheets and blankets on the bed. He felt Jack do the same, and the writhed together until they were both spent.

"I love you.." Will whispered, panting loudly and rolling over to his side.

A voice he didn't recognize at that moment answered back. "I love you too..."

* * *

(Flashback)

"I'm sorry, it's nothing much", Jack said, his face blushed with red. He handed Will his Christmas present and sat back on the couch.

"Don't be silly. I'll love anything you have to give me," he promised, ripping the paper off of the box. The wrapping was covered in rainbow flags and upside-down triangles, and Will smiled as he remembered the parade in front of Boy Barn they got it at.

Opening the box, he looked at the label. "You got me a juicer?" he asked questioningly, confusion rippling noticeably through his eyes. Jack smiled widely and jumped up. He grabbed the juicer and ran into the kitchen.

He reached into the refrigerator and snatched a carrot from the vegetable drawer.

"Look!" he said enthusiastically, plugging the appliance into the wall and sticking the carrot into the opening at the top. "You put the thick, manly, carrot into the little hole, and turn it on." Jack looked up mischievously, seeing that Will got the double meaning "And then, when it's finally finished grinding and grinding, the juice comes out!"

Will laughed out loud and shook his head. "Well, at least I'll have a lot of fun with that imagery," he said, going over to the kitchen and hugging Jack from behind.

He gave Jack a kiss on the neck and leaned more on the younger man, inhaling the aroma of his hair. Who knew how much longer he would be able to do that. Will didn't, and he was determined to get as much of Jack's scent as he could.

Jack nuzzled Will's head with his own and turned around to kiss him on the mouth. He might not be on this Earth for much longer because of the virus, but at least he could spend the rest of his days with his best friend there by his side.

Will moaned audibly into the kiss, and pulled Jack by the waist, so their chests were pressed together erotically.

Jack pulled back and smiled, moving down to the floor and getting on his knees naughtily. He removed the belt buckle from his lovers hips and pulled Will's jeans to the floor. Will groaned as Jack took him into his mouth.

"Jack...we shouldn't be doing this.." he whimpered. He tried to pry his friends head from his crotch when Jack sighed dramatically.

"Will?" he asked, looking up from the ground.

"Yeah?"

Jack smiled and gathered Will's manhood in his hand. "Shut up and let me work."

A smile appeared on Will's face. That was the least he could do.

(End Flashback)

* * *

Will sat up in bed, his head pounding dully. He moaned miserably as the throbbing continued, stronger and stronger each time he moved. He felt dizzy; the after-effects of the alcohol he drank yesterday was still rampant in his bloodstream.

When he tried to remember what had happened the night before, he couldn't. There was no memory of anything he did. He walked out of the room and into the bathroom, oblivious to anything around him. All he could think about was the dream he had last night. The one about Jack.

Will felt a pain strike through his chest. He missed him so much, and now the only way he could be with him was, like Jack had always said before the virus, in his dreams.

After he had splashed his face with cold water and brushed his teeth, he went back into his room to gather clothes so he could take a shower. While looking in his closet, he glanced at the bed. There he saw Grace, without any clothes on. A thin sheet from Will's bed was draped over her body. She snored lightly, and turned over.

Will stopped in his tracks, soaking in what he had just done.

"Oh fuck."

* * *


	2. Chapter Two

After the Storm

Chapter Two

Warnings: Self-abuse and suicide attempt.

A/N: This chapter is shorter than I planned it to be, and I don't really like how it turned out. But hopefully, you will! REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW. Remember, review please ;D

* * *

Spots of red decorated the usually white floor of the bathroom. They were spread about so beautifully, yet it was the ugliest sight Jack could ever have seen in his life. Tears rushed down his cheeks as he huddled in Will's bathroom, keeping quiet so the older man wouldn't find him in there. He didn't want him to see him like this. Not when he was at the lowest point in his life.

It was too late. The door opened a crack, and then swung unconcealed. The red gleamed in the light coming from the living room, sparkling like jewels adorning the tile. Jack made a small whimpering sound and looked up as Will gasped.

"Jack...what happened?"

"Don't come near me," he warned, sinking deeper onto the floor. "Don't clean it up. I will. I don't want you to catch it either."

Will watched helplessly from the doorway as Jack forlornly wiped up the blood from the glistening level. Tears from the man's eyes mixed with the blood, turning the rag he was using pink. Will kneeled down next to him and gathered Jack into his arms, leaving the blood spilled on the floor.

Shivering uncontrollably, Jack collapsed into Will's arms, his eyes blurry with tears. "I'm sorry Will", he sobbed, clutching onto his shirt sleeve. "I'm so sorry."

Unsure of what to say, Will nuzzled his hair softly. "Don't be ridiculous", he said. "None of this is your fault. You didn't ask for this to happen to you."

"I don't want to leave you."

Will snapped his head down and regarded him seriously. "Never talk to me like that again. You're not going to leave me. You never could leave me. You're always going to be right here with me. No matter what happens, we'll always be together."

He moved his hands from Jack's shoulders to around his waist. Jack playfully slapped his hand away as Will furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Why do you want to touch me? I'm as fat as you used to be," he moaned irritably, causing Will to smile warmly.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, kissing Jack softly on the mouth.

Jack smiled and nodded, pushing his head onto Will's chest. Will kissed the top of his head and held him there, until the young man had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor.

* * *

"Will, are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Will snapped irritably, not looking up from the spot on the couch he was huddled on. He was lost in thoughts of him and Jack, and Grace's voice cut through them like a foghorn.

He had done his best to try to pretend nothing had happened. Soon, he even started t believe it himself. Nothing happened, and Jack was still there with them. He just was out somewhere, lost. And he needed to be found.

Will's eyes shone with tears, but there was nothing causing them to fall.

"You know what I'm talking about. Last night, when—"

"Nothing happened," Will sighed, burying his face in his hands. "At least nothing that's going to make anything between us change."

Grace sat down next to him, trying to keep her voice down. "What do you mean, nothing's going to change? This changes everything. For fifteen years we've proven that notion wrong that a man and a women can be friends without sex getting in the way, and look what happened. It changed, Will. Everything is changing."

Sighing, Will turned to her and grabbed her hand. "Sweetie, did it honestly mean anything to you?"

She didn't answer for a moment, just moved her eyes toward the ground. Soon, she shook her head slowly, bringing her gaze back to Will. "No. It didn't."

"I'm sorry, but it was the same with me. We were just getting out our frustrations, I guess. I don't know. I never know anymore. But I do know that this isn't going to change anything. We're still best friends, we're still going to do everything together, and we're going to get through this."

"How do you know that?" Grace asked, brushing back pieces of her hair from her eyes and regarding him seriously. He paused.

"Umm, I don't know how I know. I just know," Will said, confusing himself.

"So, you know you know, but you don't know how you know?"

"I know...you...know...I don't know!" he exclaimed, wrinkling his face in vexation.

"Well, whatever you know, can you promise me something?"

"Sure, what is it?" Will asked quietly, wanting her to leave desperately so he could go to sleep.

"If there's anything I can do to make you feel better, just ask me, okay? I wouldn't want you to hurt someone or yourself. I've seen one too many Lifetime movies and E! True Hollywood Story's to know that".

Will laughed, sliding an arm across her shoulders. "I promise sweetie," he said, but felt something inside of him fall away. And then he got an idea.

"Ok, well, I'm going to go to work. Will you be okay?"

"Yeah, I will," he said, leaning back on the couch. "See you tonight."

After Grace left, he waited a few seconds. He made his way into the kitchen and opened a drawer, exposing him to all of their silverware. He glimpsed at the shining metal of the knives, his eyes tracing every dip and ridge of the blade.

He took the handle of the knife and held it firmly, just admiring it for a moment or two. It took him awhile to realize that he had been standing in the same place for more than a half hour.

Holding the blade to his skin, he looked up to the sky.

"Jack...I want you here," he said forcefully, feeling anger course inside of him. "You're not here, and I want you so bad, and there's nothing I can do."

His voice raised dangerously, and soon he was screaming. "I want you here, don't you see that? I'm miserable without you. I just want you here!"

The knife sliced into Will's skin, and he grimaced as he felt the cut opening up. He looked down, and saw where the wound open, he saw the blood rushing up to feel the crevice he had left. It didn't hurt at all, he hardly felt a thing. But his heart felt ready to explode.

"Jack, you bastard," he whispered, glaring at the cut with more disdain then he ever had before. He gripped on to the door handle, and squeezed his eyes shut. "You fucking bastard." he said more forcefully, pinching his fingers over the cut, as if trying to piece it back together.

"I'm never going to forgive you for this. Look what you made me do. You fucking bastard!" he screamed toward the ceiling, making sure Jack heard his message.

He looked at the injury again. The blood was so red, so bright. Not at all like Jack's. Jack's was so dark, a deep crimson color, and it always looked angry. It would eat the tissues and organs of his lover, with no remorse. It killed him. And it was killing him too.

_Why are you blaming Jack for this? _He reprimanded himself, bringing himself into the kitchen again and setting the knife in the sink. _It's not his fault that you're too weak. He didn't want this to happen to you. He told you that._

_Stop being such a baby, Truman. He's gone, and no matter what you do or say to yourself, it isn't going to bring him back. Nothing you do is going to bring him back._

_A knife isn't a tool for reincarnation. Now stop being such a baby._

An unsettling feeling colonized inside him, and suddenly he never felt more tired in his life.

"I–Jack–I'm sorry," he said feebly, clutching onto his shirt like a child.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed, resting his head on the cool counter of the kitchen. "It's not your fault. It was never your fault. It's my fault. I did this to myself. You never would hurt me on purpose like this."

Will wandered back into his bedroom, wrapping his still-bleeding wrist with the pristine white sheets of his bed. He saw the bright red seeping through the thin fabric, and his tears melted into it with it, painting the sheets damp. His head rested on the pillow tiredly, and he cried into the pillow.

"Please," he begged to the ceiling, hoping that someone or something would hear his desperate plea. "Just have me die in my sleep. Let me be with him one more time. I want to hold him again, and I want him to hold onto me and say it'll all be ok. I just want him to be here."

He choked on the emerging sobs, and whispered silently.

"Why did you take him away from me?"

No one answered. He was alone. And for the first time in his life, he wished that his heart would just stop feeling.

* * *

Jack sighed as he glanced at Will's arm. "Why? Why for me, Will? That was the most stupid thing you have ever done. And I am including the time you went up to that guy in the club and asked him to stick his hand down your pants because you said there was a bomb in there ready to explode."

Will smiled, as Jack wiped the blood off of his arm with a rag. "Jackie, sweetie, that was you."

Thinking to himself, Jack gave his usual breathy laugh and nodded. "Oh yeah, I forgot." he smiled and wrapped Will's arm, kissing the area over the wound. "All better."

"I love you," Will said suddenly, his tears welling up again. "I miss you more than anything, Jack. I just want you to be with me all the time."

Jack sighed sadly and shook his head. "Will," he said, gripping onto his hand. "I AM with you. Don't you see that. I've always been with you. Right here." he motioned to Will's heart and smiled.

"That's what Grace said," he trailed off, remembering what he had done with her. It was disgusting. Jack wanted him to find another guy to love, and he did Grace. A woman. He wondered if Jack knew.

"Will?" Jack asked, tilting his head curiously. "What's wrong?"

"I–I slept with Grace," he confessed, not bringing himself to look Jack in the eyes. He never could, they were too bright. He would always look down. He heard his voice, and he felt him there, but he was too bright to see. A light shone in him that Will wasn't ready to witness.

Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, he laughed softly. "William, I know that already. You don't think we get reality T.V. up here too?"

Will chuckled and held on to Jack's hand. "So you can see me from up here?" he asked, uncertain that he really wanted to know the answer.

"Honey," Jack started, holding Will closer to him. "I've seen more than you think. Now you need to stop feeling sorry for me and yourself and take a look around to what you've got down there. You've got my Kare-bear to take care of and you got a hag that loves you. You don't need me. You never did."

"How can you even say that? You were everything to me," Will tried to reason, realizing something. "And that bitch Karen didn't even go to your fucking funeral! You want me to go and comfort_ her_!"

Will felt Jack smiling sadly. "She has her reasons. Just promise me you'll at least talk to her?"

"Alright," he said, letting out a sigh. Then he laughed, looking up at Jack. "You know what? You're the only one who can make me talk to Karen."

Jack let out a laugh.

"I would say it's my devilish charm, but that might get me kicked out of this place."

* * *

Sorry for the awful-ness. REVIEW PLEASE.


	3. Chapter Three

After The StormChapter Three

Pairing: Will/Jack; unrequited Jack/Karen.

Warnings: Strong sexual content and language. Don't like it? Don't read.

* * *

"Mmm...Will..."

The breathy sound of Jack's moans roused Will from his sleep, and he ran his fingers over his eyes swiftly, trying to get the bits of sleep out of them.

Looking to his side, he saw Jack; his arms wrapped comfortingly around his pillow and the thin sheet of the bed wrapped loosely around the calves of his sinewy legs. One hand was at his lower waist, the tips of his fingers dipping into the waistband of his boxer-briefs.

Will didn't know what to make of the scene. Part of him wanted to lay his head on the pillow again, and just fall asleep. Pretend it never happened. Yet another stronger part of him wanted to watch Jack continue.

A sigh escaped Jack's lips as the hand went further down, and Will saw his erection stretching the fabric generously. He saw Jack's slender fingers curl around himself, and slowly move up and down in a broken rhythm.

Smiling, Will removed the covers from his body and moved closer to the young man slumbering beside him. Using his flattened palm, he caressed Jack's stomach, moving in slow circles.

His hand traveled up his lover's nightshirt, and he felt the lustful heat from Jack's chest rise to warm him. While he did this, he moved his mouth onto Jack's, kissing him softly. Jack didn't stir at all, his lips remained stationary, giving Will an unrecognizable surge of arousal. With all of the people he slept with, Will had always been the submissive one. Now, he was in full control.

He moved downward and kissed Jack's neck, feeling a blistering heat on his lips. That didn't stop him, though, and he continued intensely, nibbling his collarbone lightly.

Jack's eyes fluttered open sleepily, but he didn't move. His lips parted, and a contented sigh escaped him. As Will progressed, his breaths got deeper and deeper, and he squirmed on the bed, giggling as Will's lips slipped below the collar of his shirt.

"Will," he whispered, his hand still moving gingerly down below. A smile formed on Will's lips while he silenced Jack with a kiss on the lips. "Shh," he whispered, sweeping his tongue across the roof of Jack's mouth.

Jack settled back on the mattress, letting Will's hands roam across his body while his mouth worked on his neck, nibbling and sucking on it softly. Will's hand traveled downwards and grasped Jack's, pushing it away.

Finally getting impatient, Jack wrapped his arms around Will's neck, pulling their mouths together and exploring his mouth with his tongue. Smiling, Will pulled back and ran his hands through Jack's hair, making the younger man groan in anticipation.

"Will...come on...come over here." His breaths were short and broken, and he moved his hands to Will's waist, trying to pull him closer. But Will kept on grinning, and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

"Jack, for the first time in your life, just trust me, okay?" he said innocently, though the smile still lurking on his face promised anything but innocence.

Crossing his arms over his chest and making a face, Jack turned over on the bed, his back facing Will. "Now come on, don't give me that face," Will said. He turned Jack over and nuzzled his pale, slender neck with his forehead. "Stop being such a little bitch."

"I thought you said you didn't talk dirty in bed, Will."

A smirk graced Will's face, and he moved his head beside Jack's ear. "I lied," he whispered delicately, darting his tongue out to lick Jack's earlobe.

Giggling, Jack turned back towards him, moving as close as he could. Will kissed him passionately, his left hand reaching down and pulling Jack upwards by his waist. Breaking the kiss, Will slid his hand into Jack's boxer-briefs, and enclosed his hand around Jack's cock. Jack took in a sharp breath and grasped the sheets of the bed tightly.

Will smiled and kissed his neck again while his hand went to work. Jack shivered and shook on the bed. That's what he did when he got excited, Will noticed. He hardly moaned or gasped his name, but his shook. Will felt Jack cling to him, closing his eyes and shivering into him.

As time went by, Will's strokes got faster, more urgent. Jack's breathing sped up, and he clung to Will desperately, shaking slightly as he exhaled. Will stopped and stripped Jack of his boxer-briefs, leaving him completely exposed. Just staring at him for a minute, Jack asked breathlessly, "What's the matter, Will?"

Will closed his eyes and shook his head. He remembered what the doctor had told him earlier that day.

_It spread to AIDS rather quickly. Faster than we thought it would. I'm afraid he has a week at the most. Probably less. I'm sorry._

"We're going to do this," Will whispered, more to himself than to Jack. "We need to do this, and we're going to do it now."

"Will, what are you talking about? What's going on?"

Will pressed his lips onto Jack's firmly, quieting him. _Shut up, please, _he begged silently. _Don't ask questions and don't talk, just please shut up._

Still kissing Jack, Will used the hand not pinning Jack to the bed to reach into the bedside table and grab a tube of lotion. Jack struggled against his mouth, but Will was stronger than him.

As Will broke the kiss, Jack stared at the lotion in his hand. "Will..." he asked, scared at the glazed look in his eyes. "What are you going to do?"

Removing his own briefs that he slept in, he took off the top of the tube and applied the lotion on his length. "This." he said simply, preparing to penetrate Jack.

"William Truman! Have you lost your mind as well as your hair!" Jack exclaimed, jumping up on the bed and moving towards his pillow. "We can't do that, especially with you not having a condom on! Jeez, even I have more common sense than that! You could get sick."

"I don't care. Not anymore," Will said, kissing Jack again. Jack pulled back immediately, but Will had a firm grip on his shoulders.

"Will! Let me go! You're being ridiculous! Now stop this. You're acting like a child. And do you even know what that means coming from me?" he said, trying to get Will to laugh. "I don't want you to get sick."

"I want to, though," Will said painfully, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm not letting you go through this alone, Jack. Not anymore."

"Sweetie, it's a little too late for that. I've already had this stupid disease for- what, twenty months? Honey, I don't want you to get hurt, especially not because of me."

"But I want to," Will wiped his face with the back of his hand and grabbed Jack's hand. "I don't want to live without you, Jack."

Jack's eyes softened, and all of a sudden, he looked tired. "Will..." he trailed off wearily, burying his face in his hands and looking up again. "There's nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do. Since you can't stop it, it will happen. But it's not happening now. I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere for a long time. You don't have to worry, because I'm going to keep fighting. And do you know why?" he asked, tilting his head at Will.

"Why?"

Jack smiled and grabbed Will's hand. "Because you're here. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably have dropped dead the second the doctor told me. But _you _told me. And you're here for me now. And I'm still here."

Making a pathetic sound and sinking into the bed, Will pulled Jack towards him. Not noticing his frown, Jack laid on his back and settled next to him, fixating his gaze on Will's eyes. An idea formed in Will's head, and he smiled wickedly. Turning onto his side and looking into the eyes of the man next to him, his hand wandered slowly down Jack's front, and Jack gasped as he felt the warmth of Will's hand enclose on him.

"Will.." he said, his breaths broken and airy, "What did I just say?"

Will kissed and shushed him. "Relax. I'm not going to do that," he said, his strokes getting more vigorous and rapid. And soon, Jack couldn't argue. In fact, he couldn't speak at all...

* * *

Will looked up at the luxurious mansion in front of him. He couldn't believe hat he was doing, but he had promised Jack. The sky was surprisingly gray, and Will found that so completely appropriate, he laughed at himself.

"I can't believe I'm fucking doing this," he said aloud to no one. He walked up the sidewalk and to the front door. Just walking in, he noticed that there was no one around, which was odd, because usually the mans was sprawling with maids and butler, and Rosario. None of them were in sight.

"Karen?" he yelled, walking up the stairs and into her bedroom. The bed was neatly made and candles were distributed generously throughout the room, but no one was in sight. "It's Will," he went on. "I need to talk to you, where are you?"

His voice echoed through the large, empty mansion, but no one answered. Will shivered, feeling very weird, as if something bad had happened. Then, he started to get angry.

"I just wanted to come here and say thanks for not coming to the hospital or the funeral. We had such a nice time there, and Jack appreciated it so much. It was the last time you would ever show up for anything for him, and you didn't make it. Other plans I guess? So you can make it to his stupid one man show, but you can't pay respects to your best friend after he fucking died? "

What the hell is the matter with you? Did you have to inject your face full of poison and accidently forgot?" he went on, getting angrier with each passing second. "Or were you too busy drowning yourself in alcohol? Do you need more vodka or something, because there's plenty of it, and only ONE Jack. How could you do this? How could you think of–"

"Oh shut up already!"

Karen's high-pitched voiced resounded against the walls, stopping Will in the middle of his tirade.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice almost machine-like. "Who let you in?" a martini glass was enclosed in one hand, a cigarette in the other. She took a drag and closed her eyes, slowly opening them as she exhaled.

"It doesn't matter who let me in. Why weren't you at the hospital? Or at Jack's funeral? Did you lose your invitation in the mail? Or were you too high or too drunk off of your ass to care about–"

Will stopped at the grave look on Karen's face. It wasn't her normal higher than a kite and still going higher expression that he was used to seeing. She looked right into his eyes, cutting through him like he never thought possible. "You say one more word," she said, her voice as cold as her look, "and I will make you wish you were never born. I had my reasons for not being there. I had better things to do."

"Better things to do!" Will exclaimed, his eyes widening in shock. "He was fucking dying! He asked for you, you know that? He would look right at me and ask me where his Kare-bear was, and I had to tell him that you weren't there. I had to tell him that you probably weren't going to show. And do you know what he said to me?"

He paused, waiting for here to show some sort of emotion. But her face was frozen in place, the incisive stare still intact and penetrating through him so much, he could feel it.

"He said, 'It's okay. She probably has a reason for not coming. It's alright. I just hope she's okay.' He wanted to know how you were! He was worried for you! And just where were you, huh Karen? Where did you have to be? What was so important that you had to miss your best friend's last minutes on Earth with you?"

A dangerous glare flashed through Karen's eyes, and her hand tightened around her glass. Will didn't even see it coming right at him until it hit his arm.

"What the fuck?" he screamed, jumping out of the way a little too late. The remnants of alcohol splashed onto his jacket and the glass shattered on the floor next to him. He glanced at Karen, his mouth open in shock. "What is wrong with you!"

Karen walked up to Will, so closely that her face was inches away from his. "You have no idea what these last few months have been for me, Wilma," her voice remained monotonous, and for a brief second, Will was scared. "Poodle was my best friend, and I've never had someone like that. Whenever he was with me, he was perky and happy. I couldn't see him sick I can't see someone I lo–"

She paused, unsure if she should continue or not. Will glared at her. "What?" he asked coaxingly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

A look of vulnerability clouded Karen's eyes. She looked down to the ground and responded softly, "I can't see someone I love so much like that."

"Love?" Will spoke questioningly. Karen nodded, her eyes shimmering with tears. Will paused, taken aback with the sudden display of emotion. One part of him wanted to scream, and the other part wanted to cry. He didn't know what to do. So he did both.

"More than me?" he asked, his voice raising grievously. Karen hesitated, than nodded. "Since the day I met him."

Something inside Will snapped, and in a moment he found himself consumed with rage. "Don't you fucking dare even talk to me about loving Jack more than me. Do you know what I did for him! Do you have any idea what I had to see him go through? I had to watch him throw up his own blood and then watch him clean it up because he didn't want me to get sick! I couldn't even have sex with him, because he thought it would be too risky and he didn't want to see me hurt!

"I had to wait twenty fucking years to be with him. I could have told him so many times before then and been with him longer, but I was too scared. And when I stopped being scared, he fucking died. I went through the most agonizing years of my life wondering if there was ever a chance that we possibly could be together."

Will was screaming, his voice was growing more hoarse by the minute. Tears were streaming down his face, and it glowed red with anger and sorrowfulness. And through his entire tirade, Karen's expression remained the same. It glared at him with that same snobbery she was known for, and Will was irritated that even a friends death couldn't even break through that mask.

"I don't even know why I came here in the first place. I hope I never see your damn face again, and I hope you burn in Hell."

As he turned to walk away, he noticed a tear trickle down her face, and it looked as if she was about to break. Her mouth wavered, and her jaw tightened noticeably. Will almost paused. He almost went over there to comfort her.

But he couldn't. He kept walking, and didn't look back.

* * *

Will didn't have any dreams that night. The entire night was filled with an unsettling silence, and no matter how hard he tried, there was nothing. He was nothing.

Without Jack, he had nothing to live for.

* * *


	4. Chapter Four

After the Storm Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I own nothing; I intend no copyright infringement of any kind.

Warnings: Mentions of self-abuse.

* * *

The sound of footsteps were muffled by the carpet of the quiet apartment, and the only other thing that Will could hear was his heart beating in his ears. His lips burned madly, and the flames dancing upon them were put out by the pressure of someone else's. He closed his eyes and gave in to them, growing limp in the other man's arms.

A thousand thoughts were running rampant in Will's mind, and he was unsure of which one to address first. His mouth felt as if it was stuffed with cotton. But soon, it was stuffed with something else. He felt the man's tongue slide near the back of his mouth, almost to his throat.

Will pulled back and gasped for air. The kiss was too much for him. He wrapped his arms around the man and smiled.

"So," he said, surprisingly comfortable. "You never did tell me your name"

The man said nothing. He didn't smile, or show any emotion at all. He simply said in a low voice, "No one needs to know that"

_What is this guy's problem? Was Jack right? Are all guys like this?_

It didn't matter. He needed someone, and that someone was by his side now. Will figured that's what this guy was looking for as well. He just needed someone there to take him away, and to get his mind off of things.

_Will it always be like this?_ He thought as he felt his pants slide down around his ankles. He looked into the guy's emerald green eyes and tried to smile as their clothes came off piece by piece. _Will I always just go off with random guys, trying to get my mind off of the person I truly want?_

He answered his own question. He closed his eyes in resignation and tried his hardest not to think of Jack. But like the night with Grace, it was no use. The green in the man's eyes faded into a crystal blue, and the stern line of his mouth became Jack's usual dopey smile.

Will felt his shirt leave his body, and he put his hands cautiously on his arms. The dark hid them from the man's view, but he still fingered to cuts on them awkwardly, scared they would be unmasked. He felt two more hands on his wrists, and he gave in as they led him into the bedroom.

Jack was there. That was all that mattered. Will couldn't scream or cry or anything else; he just walked into his arms, surrounding himself in Jack's warm embrace. Will pressed his cool cheek onto Jack's blistering chest and sighed. A few minutes passed, just them holding each other closely before Jack got impatient.

As jack slowly thrusted above him, thoughts of the past week flooded his mind. He saw himself with Grace. He saw his face contorted with pleasure as Grace moaned beneath him, and he felt disgusted with himself.

He saw Karen, her face set in an unrelenting frown, taking the words that he threw at her with no showing emotions, and in that moment, he hated her more than he ever thought he could. Now that Jack was gone, he didn't have to deal with her shit anymore.

But Jack wasn't gone. He was positioned above Will, whimpering almost soundlessly as he slid in and out of Will, grabbing onto his waist for support. Will's orgasm hit him like a train, and he gasped as Jack pitched forward a final time.

Will shut his eyes and lay his head on the pillow in front of him. He lost himself in all his feelings. He felt the pain and sadness of his memories and the previous week mingle with the pleasure of the past occurrence, and he sighed in exhaustion.

Arms slid around Will's waist, and lips pressed against his cheek. "I have to go," a voice unknown to him announced, and Will felt the anonymous man leave the bed and gather his clothes.

"Yeah, ok", Will responded breathlessly, suddenly feeling as if he had run a couple hundred miles. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling as he listened to the man open and close the door. Will let out a breath; he was alone again. A tear rolled on his face, but he wiped it away almost immediately.

_I'm not going to cry anymore_, he thought to himself, getting off of the bed and making his way into the hall.

_Not over him. Not anymore._

He went into the bathroom and reached into the far left drawer. The one with his spare razor blades. He glanced into the mirror and looked at himself critically, hating what he saw. His eyes were red and itching from resisting the urge not to cry. He rubbed them rigorously, but nothing he did could bring them relief.

_He's gone now, and I can't do anything about that. It wasn't his fault, and it wasn't mine. There was nothing I could do. I need to stop blaming myself, because there is nothing I could have done._

The shining metal glittered in his hands, bringing itself to Will's attention. He whimpered sadly as it called itself to his wrist again.

_I have to stop blaming myself. It's not my fault._

Soon, all he could see was red. It gushed out generously, surrounding Will's arm with a thick coating of blood. Will grasped the cut in his hand, and shut his eyes. A searing pain shot through him, and he doubled over on the floor.

_What happened to Jack happens all the time. It wasn't like I wanted him to die, because I didn't. I loved him. I still do. It never was my fault. It's not my fault._

Will huddled on the floor, breathing lightly. He closed his eyes to try and keep the room from spinning. A dull ache pounded in his temple from where his head hit the ground. He saw bright red glimmering on the bathroom tile, and he sobbed as his surroundings faded to black.

_It's not my fault…_

* * *

"Oh my god. This is the biggest mess ever," Grace said aloud to no one in particular, unfolding a piece of fabric. She looked at the blueprint for the latest place she was decorating, a spacious studio on Staten Island.

"This doesn't go with anything, I'm going to get fired, I'll be living on the streets, and I'll starve to death…" she went on frantically, waving the piece of fabric in her hand and sitting down. She buried her face in her hands and sighed. "This is hopeless."

"Honey, of course it is. How can anyone focus wearing clashing diagonal stripes?" Karen piped up from the doorway, pointing to Grace's skirt.

Grace's head shot up and turned cautiously towards the door. "Karen!" she exclaimed, getting up and walking quickly towards her. "What are you doing here? I told you that you don't have to come in until next Monday because of Jack."

Karen rolled her eyes and settled behind the desk, martini in hand. She sipped it causually and replied, "Yeah, well, change of plans. Turns out riding Rosario around the mans wasn't a very good mourning process."

"Well, umm, Will told me he visited you a few days ago," she ventured carefully, an unsettling look crossing her face.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Look, Karen, I know you're hurting," Grace started, walking near the desk again. "I'm hurting too. We all are. And I know that there are probably a million emotions coursing through you now, but we're here for you."

"Grace, that's all fine, but—" Karen tried to say, but Grace interrupted.

"I've been just as sad as you two, and I know how hard it is to lose someone that you really care about. I've been there, and I'm here for you, whenever you need me to. I have shoulders you can cry on, ears that can listen to you."

"Grace, I—"

"And if you ever need anything, just know that you can—"

Grace's words were cut off by a pair of lips landing on hers softly. She felt hands on her shoulders, not pushing her down, but supporting her, and caressing softly. Although she had much more memorized, all of those words flew away, and she got lost in what Karen was doing.

_Finally, I'm getting her to shut up_, Karen thought, pushing her tongue into Grace's mouth as she closed her eyes. The scary thing was, as much as she didn't want to, Grace was kissing her back…

* * *

A thoroughly confused Grace made her way through the dark hallway, stepping lightly so she wouldn't make any noise on the usually creaking floor. The building was getting old, and it was a lot noisier when you stepped on it hard enough.

There were many questions that day that never got answered, and Grace wasn't even sure she wanted to know. She touched her lips in remembrance. Even though Karen had stopped it and walked out abruptly, she still remembered every moment of their escapade.

She sighed tiredly and walked through the apartment, opening the door carefully. The lights were out; and there seemed to be no one there.

"Will?" she called out, not too loudly. She didn't want to wake him if he was sleeping. When no one answered, she put her purse down on the sofa and sat down next to it, putting her hands on her forehead.

"What am I going to do about this?" she asked herself, though she had no answer.

Tired, she went to the refrigerator, grabbing a bottle of water and setting herself to go to bed. "This day has just been too weird. I wonder what this means now," she continued, walking into the hallway. "I don't know what I'm going to—" she looked around, hair flying.

"Why am I talking to myself?"

She past Will's bedroom, looking in to check up on him. When she saw the bed empty, she stopped, and searched the floor. "Will?" she asked quietly, worry enfolding her face. "Where are you? Will?"

She stopped short of the bathroom, after glimpsing a flash of red.

"Oh my God…"

* * *

(flashback)

"This is nice," Jack said calmly, closing his eyes and letting the cool air brush past his face. Him and Will were standing hand and hand in the park, over-looking a crystal blue pond which was normally murky green with pollution.

"Yeah," Will agreed, smiling as he took Jack's other hand and whirled him around. "Will you do me a huge favor?"

"Sure. Anything for you."

"Dance with me."

Jack's eyes flew open, and he smiled in surprise. "What? You don't dance!" he exclaimed. Will laughed and gave him a quick squeeze. "I do too; you've seen me."

"Yeah, but we don't have any music."

"We don't need music," he replied, kissing Jack and twirling him around. "I have you."

Jack wrapped his arms around Will's waist and placed his head on his shoulder. "That was so corny."

Will smiled and grabbed his hands, guiding him in circles around the pond. He hummed to himself, keeping the beat, and jack smiled as he tried not to trip over the grass. The sun had just disappeared behind the clouds, creating a pink horizon, and a beautiful setting.

"Wow, you really can dance!" Jack grinned, his eyes shining as Will dipped him. They stopped, breathless, and Will whispered softly to him.

"I love you".

Jack lifted his head and smiled brightly, his cheeks red from the wind. His eyes beamed up at him, and he looked the happiest he had ever been since the disease. "What?" Will asked, confused.

"That's the first time you've said you loved me," he exclaimed, feeling as though his heart would burst at any minute.

"I've said it before."

"yeah, but you've never meant it like this."

Will grinned back and pressed their foreheads together, looking into his lover's eyes. "I really do mean it, you know," he whispered against Jack's lips, bringing his hands to his shoulders.

Jack nodded before kissing him, and they both looked at the sun setting over the park. The orange glow of the clouds surrounded them, and at once, everything around them was perfect.

"I know," he responded, glowing. "I love you too."

* * *


End file.
